Quest for the Golden Latrine - Episode II

Now, before I go on with my tale, I’d like to stress the fact that I was very, VERY ill. This wasn't a normal throat pain but a very serious infection (this one goes out especially to you ZIVA ;-p). 

Episode II: 

The needle tip glistened. Frantically, my eyes scanned the room, looking for a way out. “Don't be afraid my friend. You'll just feel a little prick” said the maniac pharmacist. Don't say prick! I thought. I panicked and luckily, at that moment my mother and sister came in. 

“I want to be here. He's not doing this alone”. Thank God for moms. Looking out for her son in his time of need. Than she said; “Drop your pants and let the man give you your medicine”. It's a good thing I couldn't talk, all kind of obscenities would have left my mouth at that moment. Also, my relief and anger quickly turned in to desperate panic. It's bad enough my mother has to witness me with my bare ass out, while getting a big as hell needle in my behind but what the hell is my sister doing here?! The answer presented it self immediately as I saw her trying to hold in her laugh. 

I dropped the trousers. All the way down to my ankles. Unnecessary if you ask me but I was feeling defiant. You want me to drop my pants? Okay, I'll give you ALL of me then. Take that! I thought. Defiance turned in to fear as I suddenly realized the position I was in. Bend over, bare ass out with a man behind me. I grabbed the gurney tight, Squeezing it. This is going to be bad I thought. It was worse. “Relax” the pharmacist said as he poked my left ass cheek with his finger while looking for a spot to put his needle in. “Relax Tim” My mother said. I felt violated. Than he slapped my ass. “Relax” he said once again. 

I stand, bend over, ass out and a man slapped my ass! How the hell are you going to relax!? At this point my sister was laughing out loud. I grumbled an F you to the Pharmacist and my sister with what voice I had left. I'll tell you the kind of hatred I felt at that moment, I can write a 300 page essay on that simple feeling abou- OW!!!! The needle went in and it went in deep! NOOOO!!! I thought while feeling more and more like Jodie Foster in that rape movie. 

He disinfected the little wound and I shoved away his hand in anger. “C'mon my friend, it wasn't that bad”. I shot him a look. Had I been like Damien, like in the Omen II, he'd be crawling in fear on the floor by now. I quickly pulled up my pants, ready to leave and than it hit me. I mean it literally hit me. The medicine that is. My lungs opened up and I took a breath for the first time in days. I was hyper focused, I LIVED! Than I started to foam from the mouth. 

“Ah, the medicine works” said the maniac pharmacist, with a smile. My mother and sisters looked at me with a mixture of confusion and fear. “It's working?” my eldest sister asked. Then that horrible feeling came, you know that one where you know you are going to shit your pants or blow chunks out in the open if you don't get to a toilet soon. You see, the sickness or whatever, was having its House Party inside of my body and the medicine was like the police, so the party was over...and the sickness wanted OUT. Unfortunately it wanted out BOTH ways. 

I could speak again. “Toilet!” I yelled. Suddenly the two assistants of the Maniac pharmacist stood in front of a door which I’m pretty sure behind it was a toilet. “No, there is no toilet here”. “Than what's behind that door?”. “Uhm, storage room”. Nice improv, I thought. You lying sack of- “I need a toilet, NOW” I yelled. The other assistant pointed to a building across the street. A fancy pants hotel. As I darted out saliva was running from my mouth and as I ran across the road, I saw the Maniac pharmacist and his two assistants running after me, yelling at me. My mother and sisters in panic. I wasn't supposed to cross the road there. Here I was, about to shit my pants and blow chunks, in the middle of the road dodging cars, in Tunis. I was persistent to get to the other side of the street. I don't know how I did it but it was like I was in bullet time. The cars were moving in slo-mo. FINALLY I was there. I ran in. The clerk at the desk took one look at me and understood immediately. Slightly panicked he pointed me toward the toilets. I guess, he had done this before. I ran. My stomach cramps were turned up a notch. Time was of the essence. 

I found the door I was looking for and behind it was salvation...then the cleaner came. I guess he had just cleaned up his toilets and wasn't in any mood to clean up barf. He actually held his mob sideways, as if he wanted to battle me. He wasn't going to let me pass. Why couldn't it be as simple as this? But nohoooo, we were going for the extended action scene here.

But nohoooo, we were going for the extended action scene here.

Oh, hell no. “I'm going to give you something to clean up if you don't let me pass!!!” I yelled. He screamed something at me in Arabic. I grabbed his mob and we were actually scuffling for a moment. The desk clerks came running. “You are going to let me pass, you ARE going to let me pass!!” I said. Than I found an opening, I slipped through. Ran in the toilet....and there it was. (click the link below for the Golden bowl theme!)

The Penitent Man Will Pass - Excerpt from the Indiana Jones 

and the Last crusade, music score by John Williams

A fancy golden bowl...as if it was waiting for me. After all, I had to fight for it, how could this toilet NOT be gold. I fell down on my knees and It all came out. All the sickness, and flu or whatever it was, what wanted out, came out. After that I took an incredible shit. It came out like that Alien laser beam in that movie independence day. Amazing! 

Someone started banging on the door. I still took my sweet time to clean my self up. I opened the door and there they were, my mother, two sisters and the desk clerks waiting. I felt a lot better but very weak. The cleaner immediately ran in. My mother hugged me and asked if I was okay. “Yeah, I'm fine” I said. The cleaner came outside and put his hand on my shoulder. I quickly turned around, standing ready in my Three Strike Panther style. He took my hand and shook it. I guess, he was happy I didn't mess up his toilet too much. Yes, my dear readers. I kept it clean.

I did enjoy the rest of the vacation. Although feeling very weak due to the medicine. No, they didn't stick a needle in my behind again. I refused. 

Epilogue: 

Rotterdam, The Netherlands

Indiana Jones Theme by John Williams

I was still a little sick as my mother and me stepped in to the doctors office. I a got prescription from the guy. Got my usual medicine for the bronchitis and stuff (I used to be asthmatic by the way). The Doctor took a look at the Tunisian medicine his eyes grew large and immediately threw it in the bin. “Let's not use this again, shall we”. As much as my mother asked what it was, he never gave her a clear answer, so to date, I have no idea what this “medicine” was. All I know, I shall never forget this episode in my life. The way my life is going now...I’m pretty sure a new adventure awaits me. 

So, pop in your old Indiana Jones DVD's or if you are in a REALLY adventurous mood, check out the Allan Quatermain flicks! We'll meet up again in the next Instalment of the Tragedy of Johnny Madrid...and yes, next up...it's back to doom and gloom stories....HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND! :-)