God, women and sit-coms. part II

“Is there anybody going to listen to my story, all about the girl who came to stay”...actually. She didn't stay. 

And we're back at it again. It's been an insane couple of weeks/months. I mean literally, insane. I think it's official now. I'm nuts. Oh, I’m sorry I’ve been getting ahead of myself. What happened, where have I been? Well, I recently had a streak of good luck. I've found a great job, 2 actually, but had a hard time adapting to being “happy”.

Pop quiz! 

What happens to the man that gets everything he ever wanted?

A. He lives happily ever after.

B. He finds peace and love. A time of great inner peace follows

C. None of the above, he goes nuts and falls in to depression.

Take a wild guess which one applies to me. Yes, my dear reader. You are so correct! 10 points for you. I actually became more unhappy than I already was. My brain could not register happy and positive thoughts any more. Like my brain was frying, “ERROR, ERROR, DOES NOT COMPUTE”. I guess I was institutionalized, in my own depression. I was like that old guy from The Shawshank redemption.

With the help of Miss Amy an old school mate and Autumn Castine, of THE WRONG FISH, I kind of got some new insights and ways to deal with these kinds of things. I am doing a lot better. So thank you two so much for that!

Having said that, let's move on the real deal. Rashma. Yes, when our ways parted she was still a shy little, strange bespectacled girl. Than years later our paths crossed again...

June 1997,

It was a beautiful day and I remember standing in front of the bank eating a bakpao bun. It had just been my birthday and I was standing close to the ATM machine, ready to get some money. All I had on my mind were DVD's. As I took a another bite from the bun I suddenly heard someone call my name. I stopped chewing and saw this beautiful young woman smile at me. I thought to my self. Oh, wait. I get it, I smile back and then she walks past me to greet her friend that stands behind me. So, I leaned back on to the railing and took another bite from my delicious bakpao. Then a warm hand found its way on my shoulder and the babe looked right in my eyes with a smile that could even melt Ebenezer Scrooge's heart.

“Tim, don't you remember me? It's me...” I looked closely, my mouth still full and than it hit me. “R-RASHMA?!” As I spoke a piece of steamed bread fell out of my mouth. Rashma, took a step back and laughed. I was shocked. There was no trace of that weird little girl. Rashma was no longer skinny, Like that dude says in Sin City “She filled out in all the right places”. Her hair flowed in the wind, The glasses replaced with contacts I guess but I could finally see those beautiful brown eyes and that smile, my God. She looked like one of those Bollywood actresses. And than, naturally, I said something stupid.  

“What the hell happened to you?!”

She squinted with her eyes and than shook her head. “Hello to you too...”
I quickly slapped my forehead and apologized. Out of pure instinct or whatever I just hugged her. She felt nice, soft and warm. Immediately in my head, I said to myself “down boy, down...(Insert whip sound FX).

I could tell you what conversation followed but as always, it was just small talk. “What do you do now?” etc. etc. Things however, got very, VERY interesting when she asked me if I had seen Star Wars special edition. Yes, this was the time when Star Wars got a world wide re-release, but I digress.

“I remember you loving the hell out of it.” I was perplexed. “How do you know this? We hardly ever spoke!”
Than, and I guess a lot of women do this. She dropped the bomb. "I watched you. You know, I’ve got to admit. I've always had a crush on you". And I was like “REALLY?!”

Okay, I'm going to put this on hold for now. I want to know, seriously. WHY oh WHY...do women always feed you this kind of information when they've turned into ridiculously beautiful women, fully knowing you don't stand a chance and also that they....(SIGH)

Let me continue my story first...

So, Rashma and me continued to talk about the holy trilogy. It turned out she was quite the geek. It was the first and also the last time I had a serious conversation with a woman about Star Wars. She could ALMOST out geek me with her knowledge about that galaxy far far away. We than continued to talk movies. Her beauty, her geekery, her love for movies. I think I was falling hard. She talked but all I heard was DeBarge...

“What the hell happened to us?” I asked. “How come we were never friends, or hung out?”

She became a little quiet. “Well, I always thought you hated me”.

Aha the plot thickens...somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that faithful day was going to come back and bite me in the behind....I somehow knew, something told me it was inevitable.

“H-Hate you? Whattayou nuts? I lo- You are awesome. I mean, I was a kid you know, stupid. Showing off. You know how these things go”. I was starting to panic because I just knew my shot was lost, I still tried though...

“Tell you what, let's make up for lost time and hang out now” I said smiling.

Meanwhile in heaven:
God, Jesus, Michael and Raphael are checking “Everybody hates Tim” on their heavenly flat screen.
God: All right, check this out. See, what I’m doing right here.
Jesus: No, you didn't dad!
God: Hell yes I did hahahaha!
Michael takes a sip from his 7-up and Raphael takes a bite from his pizza slice.

Back on earth:
I was still smiling but...I had a bad feeling about it. She was taking too long to answer. As if on cue, a car pulled over, close to us. She turned her head waving to the person in the car, smiled and said

“My boyfriend”.
I kept smiling like an idiot....

Meanwhile in heaven:
God: HAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Jesus: NO! You, wild dad! HAHAHAHA! 

Michael Spits out his 7-up, it comes out of his nose too. Raph almost chokes on his pizza, spits it out and laughs like crazy.

Back on Earth:
Out of the car comes this Marshall Mathers, Eminem wannabe. For now we will call this person, Homeboy.
Homeboy walks up to Rashma, and kisses her...hard. Out of pure frustration I shove the whole Bakpao bun in my mouth.

“Tim this is Homeboy my boyfriend. Homeboy, this is Tim a guy I know from school.

In my head I hear the breaking of glass...or was it my heart? I've been reduced to “ a guy from school”.He doesn't smile or give me a hand he just nods his head. He looks back at Rashma.“Listen, we gotta go...bla bla bla...yadayadayada”. I can't remember what homeboy said.

“It's been nice seeing you Tim. Bye!” She was all business like, cold all of sudden. She puts her arm around his waist and he puts his hand on her ass. As they walk off he shoots me an angry look as if he knows me. As if to tell me “See this softness right here? That's all mine...and you are NEVER going to have that”.

I’m a man. So, I did what I thought was a good idea at the time and started to chew tough. Now I know there isn't actually a thing as “Chewing tough”. All I managed was to look like an idiot and THIS.

As she drove off with homeboy, it dawned on me. Karma is a bitch. I had been played. Rashma took her revenge. I don't know if she did it deliberately or not...but she got some justice that day. I shrugged. Got my money and bought some movies, trying to forget this whole nasty encounter. Apparently I haven't. I wouldn't be able to write this if I had. I never saw Rashma again. What ever she's doing, where ever she is. I hope she's happy and is living a full life. Homeboy? Homeboy, can kiss my ass.

Well, my dear readers, what have we learned from all of this? Me? Absolutely nothing because years later, it happened to me AGAIN! I somehow pissed off another girl. That story though...is for another time.

Put in your Star Wars Special Edition dvd or wait for the Blu-Rays to come out so, you can buy all of the Star Wars movies...for the umpteenth time! I know I will, because I'm George Lucas' whore.

To end this episode of Everybody hates Tim just click the link below and replace Chris with Tim...i think you'll get the point.

CLICK ME!

The Tragedy of Johnny Madrid continues my friends!