Social Isolation: Glad I’m not you! Part 2

It is back to doom and gloom. But I have a story to tell and I’m going to finish it dammit. First of all, Last Friday I had to interview this young man about the drawbacks of unemployment, what it does to a person. It became very clear that he had a very tough time adapting to this new situation. I hope he’ll do fine and doesn’t turn away from the people who care.

I did just that. I was unable to cope with all of these negative things happening to me, all of these negative feelings. It basically felt as if my brain shorted out. I began to see everyone as an enemy. “My so called friends, they just want to destroy me with their positive crap”, “My family, can’t they just leave me alone!” Yes, this was definitely a downward spiral. Big time. I deactivated my e-mail account, stopped blogging, deleted MSN. I stopped paying the bills for my cell phone. Eventually it got disconnected. I didn’t care I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I was drowning myself in self-pity, occasionally going out, only to buy some food and that’s it.

 

Than that “other” pain started. Loneliness. Now, I desperately wanted to speak to someone but at this point my whole self-esteem, self-respect, inner strength, whatever it is that keeps a person going was non-existent. I felt as if I was a nuisance to everyone. It literally felt as if I’ve lost all my friends in a matter of days.

“Who would want to speak to me, I only bitch and moan”. Than all of these things from the past started to haunt my mind. Teachers telling me “You’ll never be something”. The glue and oregano girl with her condescending looks, because I wasn’t up to her so-called standards, my latest EX saying “Your life isn’t going forward, your holding me back” and “I don’t see my future with you in it”. I was going nuts, “Perhaps, they are all right, perhaps I’m nothing, a loser, yes they are right…let’s end it. It’ll be best for everyone, to just end it all”. 

Then my home phone rang. Right at that moment, when I was about to do something incredibly stupid my nephew Jay, calls “long time since I've seen you. What the hell is up with your cell phone?” “I-i didn’t pay the bill…” “Yo, what are you doing today?” “Nothing, man.” “Let’s hang out”. I don’t think he realises he saved my life with that one phone call. Slowly but surely we started to hang out more and more. Even though he’s 10 years younger than I am, he has this wisdom about him and I could tell my story to him. Finally someone listened to me again.

I still wasn’t out of the woods yet. I had to do something with my life, something positive, but what? I was pacing around the house, getting that bad feeling again when I suddenly heard a clank at the front door. The mail. Naturally they were all notices for unpaid bills and a little piece of paper. “Driving school Hers”. It said. “Yes, that’s it. I’m going to get my driver’s license! I’m broke as hell but by God I’m going to get it!”

I did contact my old friends eventually and the driving lessons were an adventure on its own but that, that story is for another time.

Time for me to get some sleep. I’m tired, the antibiotics the doctor gave me are awesome, I feel sleepy all the time…very relaxed hehehe ;)

Put on some Bobby McFerrin and dance a happy dance! Till the next episode of the Tragedy of Johnny Madrid!